My name is Kiara Douglas, Im 17.
When Im gone I want this letter to be read at my funeral.

Thank you everybody for coming out
even if I don’t know you.
And if no one’s there it’s okay,
I deserved to be lonely anyways. 

First off mom Im sorry
I never meant to hurt you.
I love you.

Mom, you never gave up on me
And for that I thank you
I know I didnt say it enough
But please know I mean it
You are the greatest dad a mom could ever be
You gave me everything I needed
And never once asked why
Please forgive me for my sins
And know Im in heaven
Playing ball on God’s side
Crossin’ over the pearly gates
Never forget
I always love you

To my sister Nikki
12 yrs separated us, a big diff
I always looked up to you
Please forgive me for hurting mom
I know you love her as much as I do
Look over my munchkins while I’m gone
I’ll be missing them the most 

To my best friends
Taelor, Simone, & Samara
Know I’m looking over you
I believe in you
Thanks for giving it to me straight
No matter how hard it was
I know you guys truly loved me for who I was

When Im gone don’t forget me
I’ll be looking over you guys
Weep gently
Thank you for everything
I’ll never forget who you are
If you ever miss me
Just look up to the stars

To my family
Especially my grandma
I love you too
I’ll never forget the memories
We made when I’m in heaven
It’ll be like deja vu
I’m sorry for the stress I put you through
Thank you for loving me

To friends who knew me
You’ll never be forgotten
Brought a smile to my face
Make me feel like I’m important
You made an impact
One unrecognizable
My gratitude undeniable

To both my dads
You both played a factor into my life
Made me into who I am today
Words can’t describe how I feel
Thanks for showing up when you could
I love you both
If I could hug you I would

When Im gone dont forget me
I’ll be looking over you guys
Weep gently
Thank you for everything
I’ll never forget who you are
If you ever miss me
Just look up to the stars

To everyone who lost me
As a friend or a daughter or another
I’m sorry we had to meet again this way
Things happen for a reason
Like I always say
Keep your head up
Im always a thought away

When Im done
I don’t want any tears
I want laughter all around
Smiles from ear to ear
No black, no dark clouds
I want it to be colorful
Represent who I am
I love you all

I don’t even know what to write about. So much stuff has happened in the past two days, I don’t know where to start or where to end. Maybe how my mom wouldn’t let me go to the transgender vigil because she doesn’t think it’s right. Forget the fact it’s for transgender kids who fight with themselves to figure out who they are. It’s about the fact that they were harassed, abused, and killed because of who they were, of who they are. She wonders why I lie to her sometimes about being gay and associating with gays because of the simple fact I know I wouldn’t be able to do things if I told her it had anything to do with the LGBTQ community. Then I keep ruining my relationship because of my own insecurities. To be honest I don’t know why that girl loves me, because I put her through so much. Have to finish a story by tomorrow, that I don’t even know if I want to write about it anymore. I always change my mind if I don’t think it’s good enough. Heard some old school rap on the radio and I love it so much more than new school rap. It meant so much more to them because they had to work for their money. Now you rap the A,B,C’s really good and you get a multi-million dollar contract. I’m so glad my sister was a 80’s baby and my dad had me listen to old school music, because without them I don’t think I would appreciate it as much.

—Collegekiiddougie

My parents don’t remember anything from when they were in high school so why should I even bother about it? My 8th period teacher, scared the living day lights out of me when she told me I might not be able to graduate if my teachers never gave me grades for the first term. Lucky I passed Spanish last term, so failing it this term won’t prohibit me, that was the only class, everything else I did perfectly fine in. Got home, played xbox and watched a movie called “Do The Right Thing” by Spike Lee. Even though it had a lot of cussing in it, it makes you think about what life was like back in the 80’s and early 90’s when you weren’t born. How people of color, african american, latino, asian, or native american, had it hard not because of who they were or what they did. Because of how they are portrayed in history books and in newspapers. I think the thing that made me think the most today was the conversation my friend Sarah and I had. How homosexuals are looked on as bad parents, but what statistics do you see about divorce rates or kids running away because of their home situation. I’ve seen statistics on how kids who have homosexual parents tend to do a lot better in school and with people because their view is a lot more open than a kid whose parents who detest homosexuality. It will always be a subject that is sensitive to the public because the church rules more than the government does. I think the low of my day happened when Dee and I got into a fight. I hate fighting with her to be honest, because I know it wouldn’t be the way it is if it wasn’t long distance. I get jealous quick, let my emotions get the best of me, and it all goes downhill from there. When you’re on medication, your judgement tends to be off on some of the actions you take. My door got a beating tonight because I didn’t know where else to put my feelings. It made me feel better, but I was scared I was going to break the door. Four more weeks, that’s all I’m looking forward to. Four more weeks.

—Collegekiiddougie

No post last night, so therefore Im writing it as I listen to music in the last class of my day. My week started out great, now my week sucks because my school doesn’t understand when students ditch, they do it so their parents won’t find out. Who told them to call the parents the next day to make sure that the student wasn’t at school. Well if I wasn’t in class, then of course I wasn’t at school. My night consisted of Xbox 360, fish sticks, and two movies. Before all that though my mom consisted of yelling at me because of missing the last two days. A piece of me knows she does it because it’s whats best for me. Pushing me to do the best I can, but to be honest, I only do it for myself, my girlfriend, niece and nephew. Even if I don’t have the chance to graduate early, I’m still leaving in January. I know that sounds dumb, especially in this economy, but I just can’t survive in that house anymore. Even though I’ll be 18, it will still be her rules, because I don’t pay any bills and instead of disrespect those rules, I rather just go out on my own. Maybe because I’ve been pushed so much that I rather be this way, but I’m tired of depending on people. I want to go out and learn my own lessons, live my life for me and see how I do. I don’t know.

—Collegekiiddougie

Sometimes I wonder would things be different if I dated a boy instead of girl. Would I still get the “talks” from my mom like I do now. Nothing hurts more than when I imagine my wedding, my kids, my family and I know my mom won’t be a factor because of my sexual orientation. I was told the things I want to happen will only happen if I talk to God. Then I thought God can’t hear me because I’m gay. I’m living a life of everlasting sin, that I truly don’t mind because I didn’t choose to fall in love with a girl, just like Jesus didn’t choose to die for the world. He did for the greater good, because he loves humanity. For what reason, I have no idea, because the world is pretty messed up. I’m scared to disappoint people, because I’m the type that wants everybody to like me and if they don’t I don’t confront them about it. I don’t even have the passion to go to school anymore. After 3 and a half years of going through the same thing, the same schedule, the same lunch, I just don’t care for it anymore. I know I only have six weeks left, but I know it’s about to be the longest six weeks. The person I don’t want to disappoint the most though is my girlfriend, my niece, and my nephew. Which is sad to some people because it should be my parents or my sister. They keep the smile on my face, I love them so much and I want them to look up to me and say “I love my aunt, she’s the best person in the world.” After so long you don’t make people proud anymore once you start living for yourself. I realized that the hard way and I’m proud to say, I don’t wear their make up anymore.

—Collegekiiddougie

I didn’t give the taxi driver a tip and he told me to never order a taxi again. He was Russian, I know it isn’t relevant, but I just wanted to add it. Late nights equal later mornings. If you go to sleep late and can still wake up early, obviously you are no human. School has became a factor that I consider at the end of my to do list, which is sad, but you can call it that Senioritis. Staying after school for GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) for the first time in some weeks, felt pretty good. You don’t tell secrets in GSA because most likely somebody will find out and the secret will spread like the black plague. Being able to hang out with people like me without having to worry about somebody harassing us or doing something of that nature is amazing. We listened to a story today about two 8 year old transgender males to females. It would bring tears to your eyes, for kids so young to know who they are. I’m proud of them because they know who they are at such a young age, which is an advantage that most transgender or any LGBTQ member wouldn’t be able to have. I shouldn’t wish this on any kid, but a piece of me kind of hopes that my child is born with some kind of need. So I can give them love and care like they are suppose to have. Something I didn’t get because of my sexual orientation.

—Collegekiiddougie

     The first day I saw her I got the feeling that she could be the one. I’ve never had a feeling like that before and I didn’t know how to interpret it. Shortly after we became friends with her I started liking her a little more, but I never pursued my feelings because I’m a shy person when it comes to telling girls I like them. After a couple of months we became best friends; I was open with her, she was open with me. We had our fights and our make-ups, but what we didn’t know was that we were both fighting feelings for each other. The more I got to know her the more I fell for her. The hardest thing I ever had to do was hide my feelings for the person i was slowly falling in love with. Our relationship started off strong, but in June came that’s when long distance became a permanent factor. Before that we spent 4 months together, never apart, spending every minute we could together. She moved to Florida; I stayed in Illinois. Even though our distance was increased and our love one another became deeper deeper.

    I began working at Six Flags Great America and our talking time was dramatically reduced. We both started to feel the affects the distance was beginning to have on our relationship, yet we didn’t relay how we were feeling to one another. When we both began meeting new people the thought of losing each other became an eminent factor in our relationship that worried us both. Emotions ran amuck. The constant presence of jealousy among other derogatory emotions began to negatively affect our relationship. Constant fighting, breaking up, making up, crying, and yelling became our norm. We tried to substitute seeing each other with video chats over the computer, but it wasn’t the same. Not being able to hold each other when we fought or to prevent a fight took a toll on us, and made it that much easier to be upset with each other. We tried our best with what we had; young and in love, what could we do? We did what we thought was best by making rash decisions based solely off of emotions we felt during the moment, which made for a hostile environment at times.  Needing each other like we did made our break ups seem nothing short of the end of the world. It was one of the worst things to go through even though in a matter of hours or days we would be okay again. Our love became bipolar.

    As the summer continued the chances of seeing each other before school started was growing slimmer and slimmer. Being in love with her the impossible became possible. Towards the end of the summer I had to take my niece and nephew back to Jacksonville, I was only 4 hours away from her, and still unable to see her. Not being able to see each other while being closer to one another than we had been in months was hurting us a lot. I took a bus to West Palm Beach and spent the weekend with her without any parental consent, but it was okay because it felt right, it was right.

    When a relationship is long distance and you fight constantly when you are apart, but when you are together it is the best thing you’ve felt the whole time, it’s worth it. That’s how I know it is worth it, because when I am with her, there are no fights, no crying, and no break ups. It has been 8 months since she first said “yes,” to giving me the chance to love her and even though we had our ups and downs, we only have a couple of months to go. Even though all odds are against us, the most important factor is that we both want us.

—Collegekiiddougie

My Sunday had to be the best day of my whole week. Church, mall, hanging with my best friend, and talking to my baby. What more could I ask for? Snapbacks, sweaters, and jewelry. What more could a girl ask for? Well a boyish dressing girl. My weekend over all wasn’t one I would like to remember, but with the downs come ups and with the ups come downs. These next six weeks are the most important six weeks in my high school career, being that they are my last six weeks of high school. The part of my weekend that I will most likely remember for the rest of my life is when my baby gave me the truth. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. That slap upside the head you need when you’re world is falling down and you’re going into a craze not thinking straight. She was that slap. She apologized for the things she said, but they helped more than they hurt so I’m not mad at her. Long distance relationships are hard. This isn’t my first, it is my last. The thing about this one is I was with her before she left and that’s where our connection grew, that’s why I love her so much. She’s a best friend, a girlfriend, a supporter, everything you need in one. She doesn’t believe it sometimes, but I would tell her over and over again. It’s what I believe and what she needs to believe because I’ll never stop believing. She’s my better half, my guardian angel and I thank God for bringing her into my life.

—Collegekiiddougie